she's not even 3 years old

I've put off having this conversation for days. My heart is broken. I am so very sad, seriously depressed I think. The doglet is slipping away from us and I feel powerless to help her.

It started a couple of months ago when she appeared to be suddenly going blind. The vet looked at her eyes and couldn't see anything other than very dilated pupils. We were having a bumper crop of mushrooms in the backyard, and he assumed it was mushroom consumption. He said to watch her, and if it didn't improve soon to take her to the doggy opthamologist. It didn't get better so we did, and he agreed, no eye disease. Perfectly healthy eyes, but blindness in her left eye. After some expensive, extensive tests the eye specialist said "it's neurological in nature, you have to see a doggy neurologist". I put off making the appointment for a few days. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it, and it didn't seem to be any worse than some vision trouble. Then, in just a matter of days Mavis began to have trouble walking. She could no longer make it up and down her little stairs by the bed. No hopping up on the couch with her foot stool. In just a few more days she merely stumbles around, her legs often just going right out from under her causing her to fall. She wants to play but can't function. I just don't understand. There are moments when she seems to be better, giving me hope that we might get her back. But just moments. One good thing though is that her appetite is great. She really perks up for her scrambled egg, and as recently as 2 days ago still enjoyed the trip to her favorite restaurant for plain grilled chicken.

I feel really guilty getting so upset and sad about this. I have friends whose children have serious diseases. Potentially life threatening diseases. I know they feel like life is over some days. I also have friends who have lost their children too soon. I can't begin to imagine that pain. I wasn't able to have children. I just can't imagine how hard having a sick baby would be. Or, oh my God, to lose one. Mavis is the closest thing I've had but I feel ridiculous loving her this much. But I do.

We have an appointment on Tuesday to see a neurology specialist. We have health insurance for her. Doglet health insurance. I'm so grateful I made that crazy decision. I don't know what he diagnosis will be, and I of course have been googling like crazy. Until Tuesday my imagination will be cranking overtime. I've had little energy to think, write, or talk at all about other things. So if you haven't heard from me, that's partly why. To you it may seem crazy. She's a little dog. How did I get so wrapped up?

I've been busy with some other things, wonderful distractions and very busy days. I'll write about that soon, maybe even later today. I just had to get all of this off my chest. There, I feel a little better already. Thanks for being here.